FVN Chapter 173: Survivor Guilt
Chapter 173: Survivor Guilt
"I don’t remember much after that anymore," Eugene said quietly while slumping against the canyon wall, his exhausted eyes staring blankly at the sand beneath him.
"I only remember being brought into the medical tent by Freebound’s vehicles and hearing people say that the monster was dead. They said someone defeated it..."
"At first, I didn’t believe it. There was no way something like the Verdant Devourer could be killed so easily and even if that person really existed... Why was he too late to save us?"
The memories inside his head still felt like a nightmare he could never wake up from. He remembered the stable building collapsing one after another, remembered the screams, the blood, and how everyone around him slowly disappeared until all those sacrifices meant nothing in the end.
Strangely, part of him had even felt relieved back then because if everyone died, then at least he would die too.
At least he would not need to keep carrying all this guilt alone.
"But then I heard cheering outside." Eugene slowly lifted his head toward Gideon, and the hatred in his eyes was impossible to hide. "And it turned out the person everyone was cheering for was you."
"You were treated like some kind of hero while my father, Eric, Victor, and everyone else who sacrificed themselves were just left dead in the sand."
His jaw tightened painfully. "Where were the cheers for them?"
The canyon became silent afterward except for Eugene’s trembling breaths.
"Maybe that’s why I kept blaming you for everything," he admitted bitterly while covering his face with one hand. "So this time, just leave me alone and let me die already. I don’t have any reason to stay alive anymore."
Telling this story out loud only made the guilt inside him grow heavier.
"I just want peace... Every time I look at my mother, all I can see is her sadness. I keep thinking she would’ve been happier if my father survived instead of me."
His eyes widened slightly as though the thought had just stabbed him again.
"If Father was still alive, maybe the traveling group could’ve stayed together. Maybe everyone would still have someone to rely on. Mom wouldn’t cry herself to sleep every night... But instead, I survived."
"Why did he push me away? He was faster than me even at his age. He should’ve just let me die there instead..."
The rest of his words dissolved into sobs. He looked completely broken, as though part of him was still trapped inside that ruined building surrounded by blood, corpses, and a monster far beyond anything he could fight.
Gideon stayed silent while listening.
The feeling inside Eugene was not unfamiliar. He had seen the same suffocating despair in Charles, Percy, and many others before. The apocalypse did not simply kill people. Sometimes it trapped them inside the moment they lost everything and forced them to relive it endlessly.
"Eugene." Gideon called his name once.
But Eugene shook his head violently.
"No! I should’ve been the one who died!" His voice rose hysterically as he suddenly shoved the rifle in his hands toward Gideon. "Then kill me yourself! Don’t you hate me too?!"
Gideon did not take the weapon, Instead, he slapped Eugene hard across the face. The sound echoed sharply through the canyon and the man froze completely.
His eyes became empty as though the slap had finally dragged him back to reality and made him realize how hysterical he had become. Slowly, he bit his lips hard enough to almost bleed before lowering his head again.
"I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t blame you for it. It’s just... My heart feels like a tangled mess that I can never untangle no matter what I do."
"Every morning I wake up hoping everything was just a dream, then I walk outside and realize the world already changed."
A bitter laugh escaped him. "The people are still there, but they’re not the same anymore. The traveling group is gone. My father is gone. That’s why your territory feels suffocating to me. I thought maybe Grant would at least let me work under him or give me some place to stay, but even he rejected me."
Eugene lowered his head completely afterward. "I don’t have any place left in this world anymore... so I ran away."
Gideon took a deep breath. The truth was he had already realized the burden his people carry a long ago. He simply approached it the wrong way.
As someone who came from a completely different world, he always thought that giving people safety, food, warm clothes, and a comfortable place to live would naturally solve most of their suffering.
And while all of those things were important, humans were apparently capable of rotting inside even while living comfortably.
’Right... I barely even talk to them personally anymore.’
He had been too busy building infrastructure, houses, systems, and preparing for winter that he forgot the people themselves still carried the weight of everything they lost.
Gideon slowly crouched down until he was at eye level with Eugene.
"You should know something first, your insults never really meant anything to me, so stop apologizing to me over and over again. The person that deserves your apology is your mother."
"After that, Aaron can take you to Climber Rift if you still want to leave.But before that, tell me honestly. What do you think I can do to make things better? Do you want your father to be remembered as some kind of hero?"
Eugene immediately shook his head.
"No... not like that. I just want people to remember him. Everyone stopped talking about him so quickly. Nobody even asked me what happened to him, like he never existed in the first place. It’s scary to think that I will be the only one who remembers him and the rest who sacrifice themselves."
Gideon nodded slowly. "I understand."
Then he stood up and stretched his back slightly before tapping Aaron’s shoulder.
"Let’s head back first. You also need to apologize to Daphne and Aaron"
Aaron immediately turned his face away while rubbing his eyes roughly. "What? Don’t look at me like that! You don’t need to apologize to me, brat! Just move already!"
Then he added defensively, "And this damn sand keeps getting into my eyes."
Gideon could not help laughing quietly at that. He didn’t expect Aaron to be a softie.
As they walked back toward the vehicle, Gideon’s thoughts slowly drifted elsewhere. Eugene’s words made him realize something important. His people need a way to grieve properly.
Not long after that, Eugene apologized awkwardly to Daphne as well. She forgave him almost immediately because, unlike Aaron, she never truly hated him in the first place.
She understood his situation better than most people did and was a bit lucky since Gideon’s arrival prevented a situation into chaos like what happened with Eugene.
While the three of them talked, Gideon’s attention drifted toward the distant desert behind them.
The smoke rising from the geysers looked thicker now. Even though he still could not see the giant Geysemire from this distance, he knew the creatures were getting closer to the territory.
Fortunately, winter was approaching. According to Delilah, Geysemire became dormant during winter after consuming enough food to survive the season.
The "mother" would bury itself underground together with the surviving juveniles, especially after the cannibalism period where most of the weaker offspring were devoured by their own parents.
Winter also gave Gideon another opportunity. The king beneath the oasis should already be entering hibernation. Which meant this was the best time to investigate the oasis directly and determine whether that monster was truly moving closer toward the Safe Zone or not.